Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.