Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Sing it!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
🖕🏻👽
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.