Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”