Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
new wife guy just dropped
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion