Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god