Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

“no gods no masters” = leo

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell