Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Baking is just science you can eat.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog