Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.