Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol