Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Pandas 🐼🖤
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.