Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!