Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
one of
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
This chloroform smells expensiv…