Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My love language is deader than Latin
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.