Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Banana is the quietest snack

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I’m having an out of money experience.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]