Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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inventing words: clothing
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.