Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.