Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You Might Also Like
you’re damn right i have
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.