Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I’m Sold!
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there