Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis