Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

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