Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Worlds greatest photobomb
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
