pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Finally
2024 has been a rough few years
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
good for her
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.