pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
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Those are good neighbors.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.