Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am