Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You Might Also Like
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Waiting for the Charmin
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us