Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”