Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
