Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
when there are deer in the woods
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
the zen of frog
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?