Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

January has been Januweary

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*