My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
The best plant holders?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?