Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm