Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
You Might Also Like
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?