Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Made something I’m not proud of
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.