“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.