“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
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yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Botany good plants lately?
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need