So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both