Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
You Might Also Like
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Ion see the issue
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.