Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
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Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that