Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”