Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers