Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*