Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
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If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
when you order from DoorDastardly
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr