Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

Pass gas, not judgment.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.