Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.