You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..