@TheAndrewNadeau

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

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@Zach_Wallen

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@Rollinintheseat

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

@borderlinemom8

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@AGreaterMonster

Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.

–me, getting a shampoo at the salon

@Donna_McCoy

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

@DavidKlein5

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.