Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

*pokes sex life with a stick

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Everyone is getting idioter.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower