Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

There is no “we” in pizza

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

This January has 47 Mondays

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades