Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

the only bumper sticker ill allow

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.