You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
You Might Also Like
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie