Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.