Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”