Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

🤣

OKAY DAD

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.