Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
“Why you watching this shit?”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
