Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
he was correct
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.