Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.