Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
What kind of a cult is this?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?