Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?