PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
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“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.