Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?