PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.