Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

I have obtained a hat

Huge, if true.

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is