PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I was just discussing this with my cat
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun