Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
