I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
It’s okay Pluto I am not a planet either.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
Die mends are forever.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH