Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Would you wear it?

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it