Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.