Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
when you are just born a rebel
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man