Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.