Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
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Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.