Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it