Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

April 1st is the class clown of days.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

Pat is about to own someone

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm