Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

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A pool table

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?