Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

plant them where lol

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.